So with my upcoming podcast with Tank Smith, and with how I speak with some ladies I assist about strength and what it is and how to have it, and how to take your power back. I know you will hear some things I say in my podcast interview ( even though I apologize for how they may sound as soon as I say them,) that some of you that are more sensitive may be taken aback by.
So I wanted to just give this short epilogue here …so should I need to guide any sensitive folks to it…
after they hear my interview.. It’ll already be here for you to find.
Things about me before and during sex work that you may be shocked to know..
( so that when you hear the interview , you wont be able to say that I am entitled or that I haven’t been through the things I am talking about.. I ASSURE YOU I HAVE!)
When I was 19-21 yrs of age for instance before sex work..
I had not one but by that 3 abusive relationships.
One boyfriend who beat me up when he found out that when he cheated on me, I cheated w his friend.
One boyfriend who put a gun to my head on an abandoned street and said hed kill me also a cheating asshole who had been cheating on me , who couldn’t handle when I cheated back..
and lastly one that I actually allowed to live with me in my first place on my own who beat me on more than one occasion because he was trying to hide he was into men ( BTW I have no issues with it, I just didn’t want to date a man playing both sides of the fence, and yeah that sounds crazy since I am BI, but its true)
Not to mention the times between 18-32 yrs when men in the middle of sex both in and out of sex work didn’t listen when I said no to them removing condoms and continued anyway. ( BTW men that too is sexual assault. I can remember 3 times that happened to me, thank God .. God was with me and my health wasn’t affected) I know one time I came home from a date when I was 32 and my now 17 yr old sons dAD had been at my home spending time with my son. I told him what the guy had done to me and he wanted to go kill him. Again I held myself together, went to the doctor and continued. I don’t think I even cried that time. I just was angry as hell.
I also at 20 had an uncle in law , ( Ive still never told my auntie) who I told I needed money and he picked me up and took me to his house under the guise that he was going to pay me for cleaning their pool. I didn’t know wed be there alone. While cleaning the pool he decided to tell me that he’d help me learn to swim. Evidently part of being taught how to swim was being fingered several times while he helped me try to float… so I been sexually assaulted, even if I wasn’t left w bruises.
And my one and only bad experience as a sex worker. I lived in Raliegh in 2007 and had a date with a man who I didn’t realize was a monster. He picked me up because I couldn’t host at my home . We drove to his home where we had dinner and drinks ( I still drink on dates but I never ever get tipsy anymore on dates) And here’s why…
During sex with this seemingly nice man I turned around into doggy style . He then decided to force anal on me against my will. I said no, he continued told me to stop crying that It wasn’t his fault I had chosen my job. My crying seemed to ruin the “mood” so he stopped and decided to drive me home. On that way home all I could think was I wanted to kill him, even in the car, I was thinking I could murder him , take his car and no one would know.. BUT then I remembered I have to get home to my kids, I have to be strong and walk back in this house w no tears. My now 26 yr old son asked me when I walked in what was wrong because even though I wasn’t crying , he could tell I wasn’t myself. I said nothing I went upstairs and got ready for my next appointment to pick me up .. I had rent to pay , kids to feed…so I continued my day.
It took me till 2017 to mentally admit Id be raped, or atleast sexually assaulted now 2 times in my life.
I never let those experiences of abuse or assault break me or change me from who I am. And that’s where I am coming from when I say things in my interview. So I want you all to not listen and think I am making light or fun of anything.
I know the hurt, the rage and the “secret” keeping of abuse. I have been at the front line of it.
Just know. I am pro woman, pro sex worker and I want to see you all stand up and take your power back!!
BTW IF I HAD IT ALL TO DO OVER AGAIN, ID TAKE THE RISK AND REPORT ALL THEIR ASSES TO THE POLICE….
I WILL EAT A MISDEMEANOR TO GIVE ANY MAN WHO HARMS ME A FELONY … PLEASE BELIEVE THAT. AND IF I FEEL AT RISK ENOUGH IN CIVVIE OR WORK EVER AGAIN, I WILL ROCK AN ORANGE JUMPSUIT. NOT GOING TO ALLOW ANY MAN TO HARM ME AND GET AWAY WITH IT EVER AGAIN. I DON’T THINK ANY OF YOU SHOULD EITHER.
Podcast Full Service will go live this Tuesday night
its Full Service Podcast by Tank Smith